Another day another thought

If I do something that is ridiculous, may be even idiotic, so I could stay within a rule or a regulation, isn't it proof enough that the said rule or regulation itself is ridiculous, may be even idiotic?

Hmmm...

Thought of the day

Looking at myself in the mirror today morning, I discovered this:

Either I've thinned down or got used to my belly.

Hmmm....

Split-Right, Tight Victory

Double left, jet left, quick 212, H-slant

U Shift Green, Left, West, F, Short, Spy, Two, Banana, Z, Over, Heads, Up, Four, 358, Smoke, Check, H, 2 Miami

Indeed, after the play is called -- laying out the snap count, shifts, motions, protection schemes, run and pass audibles, among other things -- the snap brings another myriad of variables into play: blitzes, protection and route adjustments and, on most occasions, onrushing defensive linemen with hate in their heart.

(Source: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/feature/featureVideo?page=qblearningcurve)

Charlie Horse

Lady Instrcutor: Welcome to your first class. In this 14 class session, we will teach you three basic strokes and breathing exercises. We will also help you assess your current skill level.

Me: Skill level? I know to drown. Does that count?

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa.......

(Note to self: Try not to crack any of your lame jokes again)

LI: So, are you ready for the first class?

Me: I can already feel water in my ears

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa.......

Me: That wasn't a joke...

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa.......

*Oh God*

LI: We teach you three basic strokes. Freestyle, backward and breast.

Me: I like breast....

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa....... Naughty you!

Me:....stroke. I meant the stroke, seriously! I heard it's easier.

LI: You are lucky. There are only two other people in this class. So, it's going to be a small class.

Me: That's 2 more than what I expected.

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa.......

*Who are the other fellow losers who wants to learn swimming at this age! I got to see that!*

LI: DNA, that's P, she is the other student.

Me: Who's the third?

LI: Me! Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa....... I'm always a student first.

*Oh God! please drown me!*

LI: Ok, you two get inside the water with me. Your first class, you'll learn to float and leg stroke.

I saw this little kid in the lane next to mine doing freestyle ever since I was there. The inquisitive me to the LI

Me: How old is that kid? Is it legal for her to swim?

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa....... Of course it is! She is probably 6 years old.

Me: Can she even spell "Swimming"?

LI: I bet you could!

*LI with a sense of humor! I could do with that*

Me: Ha! Good one.

During the course of the class, some of the gems LI said -

LI: DNA, keep your shoulders and neck muscles relaxed. It needs to be as loose as a granpa's boxers. Yours is as tight as my grandma's panties!

LI: People watching us might think I'm actually drowning you and not teaching you to swim! Look at your legs. They are all over the place.

LI: Tonight, you might get Charlie Horse. It's not an erection, it's muscle cramps. So don't over exert yourself.

Interesting trivia I learnt about LI: She drives on the other side!

"Take care of your possessions"

That was the outlook for Monday.
......
4:30 PM: I accidentally deleted all e-mails in my office inbox!

The Black Dahlia

From "The Doodle" episode of Seinfeld:

Elaine: Huh. So What's it about?
Kramer: Well it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm.

That's all the movie was. Pretentious.

Inflight translations

I claim to understand Hindi. Claim, as in, I too wrote Praathmic, Madhyama once, Madhyama twice, Rashtrabasha, Praveshika. I hated those dreadful Hindi classes that my parents made me attend after school. After Praveshika, I had enough! I staged a full scale domestic disobedience movement, like not bathing, not brushing teeth, wearing stinky socks, cleaning nose goop in front of guests, wearing the same school uniform for the whole week etc. By the end of the week parents caved and I got my independence. During my mid-teens, I had some motivation to pick-up Hindi. Like, Rangeela, Khalnayak and that stunning looking new girl from Ludhiana in my class. She later turned out be a Tamil speaking Iyengar kutti with Iranian skin tone. And I ended up helping her learn madras Tamil -

"Hey DNA, in Hindi, rumal is kerchief, but you were saying something at the computer teacher like 'Omma'..."

And I jumped at the opportunity and closed her mouth (with my hands, of course!). I looked straight into her eyes (okay, may be not her eyes), and said -

"You shouldn't say that word. I don't want to hear it from you"

Ah! The age of innocence. Those were the days.

Anyway, the point here is that my Hindi speaking abilities went nowhere. During one of my flight trips, on my way to Dulles, I happened to have 2 very old Punjabi couple as my co-passengers. I had the aisle seat and the elders took the inside seats. They looked like pleasant couple and after initial exchange of friendly head nods, I went back to Jayamohan.

When the flight left the gate, we exchanged a few stuttered conversation. It didn't take me long to realize that their English was worser than my Hindi. The old lady smiled and asked, "Kya aap bhi Washington jaa rahen hai?" (Bear with me, I'm trying really hard to re-collect, so I may be off a little here and there). I could have answered "No, I'm going to Vegas, where do you think this flight is going?". But she looked like a nice old naive lady, so instead said,

"Yeah.......haan.....ji"

I was taught to show respect to elders. "In Hindi you show respect by saying 'ji'", said my hindi teacher Ms. Padmavathi.

"Washington pe/me koyi rishtedar hai aap ke liye"

The problem for me when trying to converse in Hindi is that I think either in English or Tamil and then I do a word for word translation. Like this -

*I'm going there for work* - "Mein kaam ke liye jaa raha hoon..........ji"

"Acha...."

*Head nod* Whenever I feel uncomfortable with a conversation, I nod my head a lot, like a gyroscope.

"Aap zara air hostess ko bulayiye, mujhe yek blanket chahiye". I know she asked for blanket because she pointed at mine, but I forgot the word she used.

"Aap mujhe use kardo". For some reason, I saw her husband pull his kadai up his forearm and upped his moustache with his right index finger.

*Shit* - "Aap mera blanket use kardo.....ji"

The old lady thanked me and her husband did not let her talk to me for some time. After a few more minutes, the flight attendant came with snacks and soda and pulled-up across from my aisle. Since I was between her and the Punjabi couple, I became the middle man for translations.

FA: "Anything for you to drink sir" *@ the old man*
Me: "Peene ke liye kuch chahiye....ji"
Old man: "Coke"

*I didn't have to say anything because Coke is a universal word, like hello. So I took the opportunity to look at the FA and smile*

FA: "Is Pepsi okay?"
Me:"Yeah......I mean he should be fine with Pepsi"
FA:"You want some ice with it?"

This is where my Hindi translator mal-functioned. I know 'Baraf' is Hindi for ice. But for some reason, I mis-spoke - "Kya aap ko baarish chahiye?" And for some reason, I pointed my index finger in upward direction, towards the standing FA. The facial reaction of the old couple was priceless. I could say a million things went through their mind. They vehemently said, in unison, "Nahin..."

And the old lady politely added, "lekin, hum ice lenge"

It took me more than fifteen minutes to realize my goof-up and I started laughing hard covering my head with the book. I was reminded of the Bhagyaraj movie where his friend, trying to woo Radhika, learns Hindi from her father,

"Ek gaon mein ek kissan rehathatha"

"Ek gaon mein ek kissan ragu thatha"

Federer vs. Tarantino vs. Roddick vs. Scott

Button fly jeans

The operational difficulty out-weighs the initial small capital investment of $11 on this Gap denim. Not worth the price discount. I'm making pre-plans to visit the loo. Holding my breath among other things until I could get those metal buttons to open. Not one, not two, but three. Three frigging metal buttons. The bottom one is especially the most difficult one. It is right at the fork. I feel like a neuro-surgeon performing a complex procedure, every time I try to get that. With zip fly it used to be single handed affair. Now it's double handed. My left thumb has become sore, unused to such rigours.

The only alternative is to avoid liquids for the rest of the day.

My friend says, button fly jeans are ladies wear. I don't know. I thought I picked it from men's section. Now, I'm not sure. This doesn't have any jimiki/jari design on it. But he is not convinced. Is that true?

Holy crap!

I was taught to wash my hands after taking a leak. But, I was never told to wash my hands before taking a leak while in the middle of cooking with sambhar podi!

Cold water, cold water......

A.I.R.

திருவாளப்புத்தூர் தீனதயாளன் நாயுடு, கொண்டித்தோப்பு தமிழரசி, ஏழுகிணறு சந்திரசேகர், மணிமாறன், மொட்டை, துவரங்காடு சந்திரமோகன், மங்கலம்பேட்டை ஷகீபுதின், ஆயிஷா பீபி, ஜமால், பூமிக்குப்பம் தேவநேசன், வியாசர்பாடி ராஜா, தாம்பரம் சுப்பு அம்மாள்...

சட்டென்று பெயர் மாறும்போது அவர்கள் எப்படி இருப்பார்கள் என்று யோசிப்பேன். தாம்பரம் சுப்பு அம்மாள் இரட்டைப் பின்னலா வைத்திருப்பார்? ம்ஹூம்! ஆனால் கொண்டித் தோப்பு தமிழரசி?

- ஏப்ரல் 1976, கணையாழியின் கடைசிப்பக்கங்கள், சுஜாதா

So it's time for me to speak

Whats is there for me to say? When I finish, you'll sentence me for my crime. Fine. So let me ask you now: What is crime? What is punishment? It seems to vary from time to time and from place to place. What's legal today is suddenly illegal tomorrow because some society says its so. And what was illegal yesterday is suddenly legal today because everybody is doing it and you can't put everybody in jail. I'm not saying this is right or wrong. I'm just saying that's the way it is.
.....
I just wish you could be standing where I'm standing right now and know what that feels like. Because then you would know something you don't know now. Mercy. You would know that the concept of a society is based upon the quality of that mercy. It's the sense of fair play. It's the sense of justice. But that's like asking a bear to shit in a toilet.
.....
என்னுடய தேடல் எனக்கு கற்பித்தது ஒன்றுதான். உண்மை என்பது காலத்தின் தேவைக்கேற்பத் தகவல்கள் போடும் வேஷம் மட்டுமே. நான் என்ன சொல்ல முடியும்? இன்று என் கையில் இருப்பவை எல்லாம் பொய்கள்.
- பரிணாமம், ஜெயமோகன்

I am on fire!

It was my turn to drive for lunch and I obliged. I was going to lunch with couple of non-Tamil speaking colleagues, one an American. The car stereo started off where I had left in the morning. The opening beats and rhythm were quite catchy to the American colleague and he asked me what it was. And I said,
"A Tamil film song"
"That's a female voice, right? What is she singing about?"
"It's actually a duet. She is singing about, in simple terms, sex"
"Really? "
"Yeah, not love, but sex"
"Interesting. Can you translate that for me?"
"What?"
"You know, like what exactly is she singing?"
"I can try"
"Wait a minute....this is the pause control right?....I need every line"
"Are you kidding me?"

He started it from the beginning and paused it when the singing stopped at the end of first few lines.
"No, come on, go on..."
"They're saying..."

i'm aroused oh daddy o'!
i'm horny oh honey bunny!

He started smiling and asked, "Is that what she is saying? Or are you making it up?"
"No, I took some creative liberty. She is actually saying 'I'm on fire'"
"I thought you said Indian censorship did not allow such things"
"Well, we have this weird exception. We don't tolerate such things in dialogues, but we are fine with it when rendered as a song"
"Why is that?"
"Why does radio shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know!" (*I quote Seinfeld like a Bishop quoting bible*)
"Okay, go on"

i'm aroused oh daddy o'!
i'm horny oh honey bunny!
my heart got struck oh sugar!

"Here, let me control the song"

Like plucking thorn with a thorn, let's douse fire with fire!
Like plucking thorn with a thorn, let's douse fire with fire!

"What's that supposed to mean?"
"The guy wants to put out fire with fire, you know.....in 'that' sense"
"Well, okay, if you say so..."

Your eyes are glowing with lust please keep it up cherry!
Like plucking thorn with a thorn, let's douse fire with fire!
Your eyes are glowing with lust please keep it up cherry!

My colleague lost it at this point. "What the heck was that?"
"He is talking about lust"
"Yeah, but then he asks her to 'keep it up'. I thought he was singing to a she"
"It is she, and he is asking her to keep the lustful glow in her eyes, you jackass!"
"For a second there, I thought it was one of those 'Elton John' type of songs"
"Do you want the rest of the song or what?"
"I do, I'm sorry, proceed..."

As man and woman rub against each other, let sparks fly
All 5 senses are like sparks, let them all burn in desire,
before it goes down come

Now, he is laughing uncontrollably and banging his head on the passenger seat bag.
"When the guy sings 'before it goes down', is he referring to 'that'?"
"May be..."
"Or is 'it' means the 5 senses?"
And I get defensive, "Actually, I'm not doing a good job.It's actually sort of poetic"
"Oh, that's poetry?!"
"The original one...that's not as gross as I made it sound"
"But, that's what they are singing about, right?"
"I guess..."
"Don't stop, keep going..."
"I think I've had enough for one day, I'm changing the song"

And what song do I get from my random select!

இளமையெல்லாம் வெரும் கனவுமயம் இதில் மறைந்தது சிலகாலம்
தெளிவும் அறியாது முடிவும் தெரியாது மயங்குது எதிர்காலம்

Vettaiyadu Villayadu: A movie experience of one of a kind!

Anybody who tried to watch the movie here in Chicago area will vouch for that. 7:00 pm screening got cancelled because they couldn't get the "potti" in time. They started the 10:00 pm screening a little late. Like two hours late. So the movie started.

First half ended.

The second half had an interesting twist! The movie started in reverse. I mean that literally and figuratively and geometrically! The second half started with the climax and proceeded to the scene before that and the one before that, so on and so forth! And all this appeared on the screen upside down! The crowd was uproarious! I think, they wound the reel for the second half in reverse or it was some kind of divine intervention. It took another thirty minutes to decide there was nothing the organizers could do and so they said they'll refund the money to all the 400 odd people. I came back home at 3.30 am after watching only half the movie!

Such instances are when it makes me think seriously about that three letter guy up above the sky! This movie is seriously jinxed!

First half review- CSI: Madurai! The first half was a right mix of CSI, Law and Order, Dr. Phil. And I mean that in a good way!

Overheard from the crowd:

"Padathula comedy undungala?"
"Padathula operator dhan comedy!"

Bad Karma or bad hard drive partitioning skills!

How does one react if their parents found out what they did not want their parents to find? And to top it, the said parents did not even show any signs that they know what the one was trying to hide! How dare they take the high road!

And to rub it in, they probably had a good laugh at the one's expense in their grown-up circle. And one loud mouthed grown-up teases you with that!

I feel like a five year old who just wetted his bed! Bah! Life is unfair!

Off late...

.....my life is a series of Type I errors!

விளக்குமாறு் கட்டைக்கு பட்டுக் குஞ்சரம்!

When my insurance spends $4.2K to fix a car that's worth $5K at the most, saying "no" to scrapping it, what else can I call it?

Parting advice from parents: "Start going to gym regularly"

அன்றும் இன்றும் I

அன்று:

கடாஅக் களிற்றின்மேல் கல்படாம் மாதர்
படாஅ முலைமேல் துகில்

(The cloth that covers the firm bosom of this maiden is (like) that which covers the eyes of a rutting elephant)

இன்று:

அவளுக்கென்ன அம்பாசமுத்ர
அய்யர் ஓட்டல் அல்வாமாதிரி
தாழம்பூவென தளதளதளவென வந்தா வந்தா வந்தா பாரு!

கும்மி அடி.....கும்மி அடி......