Punchline of the day

"It is pretty sad when one reaches the peak of their sporting prowess at the age of 15"

Another day another thought

If I do something that is ridiculous, may be even idiotic, so I could stay within a rule or a regulation, isn't it proof enough that the said rule or regulation itself is ridiculous, may be even idiotic?

Hmmm...

Thought of the day

Looking at myself in the mirror today morning, I discovered this:

Either I've thinned down or got used to my belly.

Hmmm....

Split-Right, Tight Victory

Double left, jet left, quick 212, H-slant

U Shift Green, Left, West, F, Short, Spy, Two, Banana, Z, Over, Heads, Up, Four, 358, Smoke, Check, H, 2 Miami

Indeed, after the play is called -- laying out the snap count, shifts, motions, protection schemes, run and pass audibles, among other things -- the snap brings another myriad of variables into play: blitzes, protection and route adjustments and, on most occasions, onrushing defensive linemen with hate in their heart.

(Source: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/feature/featureVideo?page=qblearningcurve)

Charlie Horse

Lady Instrcutor: Welcome to your first class. In this 14 class session, we will teach you three basic strokes and breathing exercises. We will also help you assess your current skill level.

Me: Skill level? I know to drown. Does that count?

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa.......

(Note to self: Try not to crack any of your lame jokes again)

LI: So, are you ready for the first class?

Me: I can already feel water in my ears

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa.......

Me: That wasn't a joke...

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa.......

*Oh God*

LI: We teach you three basic strokes. Freestyle, backward and breast.

Me: I like breast....

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa....... Naughty you!

Me:....stroke. I meant the stroke, seriously! I heard it's easier.

LI: You are lucky. There are only two other people in this class. So, it's going to be a small class.

Me: That's 2 more than what I expected.

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa.......

*Who are the other fellow losers who wants to learn swimming at this age! I got to see that!*

LI: DNA, that's P, she is the other student.

Me: Who's the third?

LI: Me! Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa....... I'm always a student first.

*Oh God! please drown me!*

LI: Ok, you two get inside the water with me. Your first class, you'll learn to float and leg stroke.

I saw this little kid in the lane next to mine doing freestyle ever since I was there. The inquisitive me to the LI

Me: How old is that kid? Is it legal for her to swim?

LI: Hanhanhnahnahnahnaa....... Of course it is! She is probably 6 years old.

Me: Can she even spell "Swimming"?

LI: I bet you could!

*LI with a sense of humor! I could do with that*

Me: Ha! Good one.

During the course of the class, some of the gems LI said -

LI: DNA, keep your shoulders and neck muscles relaxed. It needs to be as loose as a granpa's boxers. Yours is as tight as my grandma's panties!

LI: People watching us might think I'm actually drowning you and not teaching you to swim! Look at your legs. They are all over the place.

LI: Tonight, you might get Charlie Horse. It's not an erection, it's muscle cramps. So don't over exert yourself.

Interesting trivia I learnt about LI: She drives on the other side!

"Take care of your possessions"

That was the outlook for Monday.
......
4:30 PM: I accidentally deleted all e-mails in my office inbox!

The Black Dahlia

From "The Doodle" episode of Seinfeld:

Elaine: Huh. So What's it about?
Kramer: Well it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm.

That's all the movie was. Pretentious.

Inflight translations

I claim to understand Hindi. Claim, as in, I too wrote Praathmic, Madhyama once, Madhyama twice, Rashtrabasha, Praveshika. I hated those dreadful Hindi classes that my parents made me attend after school. After Praveshika, I had enough! I staged a full scale domestic disobedience movement, like not bathing, not brushing teeth, wearing stinky socks, cleaning nose goop in front of guests, wearing the same school uniform for the whole week etc. By the end of the week parents caved and I got my independence. During my mid-teens, I had some motivation to pick-up Hindi. Like, Rangeela, Khalnayak and that stunning looking new girl from Ludhiana in my class. She later turned out be a Tamil speaking Iyengar kutti with Iranian skin tone. And I ended up helping her learn madras Tamil -

"Hey DNA, in Hindi, rumal is kerchief, but you were saying something at the computer teacher like 'Omma'..."

And I jumped at the opportunity and closed her mouth (with my hands, of course!). I looked straight into her eyes (okay, may be not her eyes), and said -

"You shouldn't say that word. I don't want to hear it from you"

Ah! The age of innocence. Those were the days.

Anyway, the point here is that my Hindi speaking abilities went nowhere. During one of my flight trips, on my way to Dulles, I happened to have 2 very old Punjabi couple as my co-passengers. I had the aisle seat and the elders took the inside seats. They looked like pleasant couple and after initial exchange of friendly head nods, I went back to Jayamohan.

When the flight left the gate, we exchanged a few stuttered conversation. It didn't take me long to realize that their English was worser than my Hindi. The old lady smiled and asked, "Kya aap bhi Washington jaa rahen hai?" (Bear with me, I'm trying really hard to re-collect, so I may be off a little here and there). I could have answered "No, I'm going to Vegas, where do you think this flight is going?". But she looked like a nice old naive lady, so instead said,

"Yeah.......haan.....ji"

I was taught to show respect to elders. "In Hindi you show respect by saying 'ji'", said my hindi teacher Ms. Padmavathi.

"Washington pe/me koyi rishtedar hai aap ke liye"

The problem for me when trying to converse in Hindi is that I think either in English or Tamil and then I do a word for word translation. Like this -

*I'm going there for work* - "Mein kaam ke liye jaa raha hoon..........ji"

"Acha...."

*Head nod* Whenever I feel uncomfortable with a conversation, I nod my head a lot, like a gyroscope.

"Aap zara air hostess ko bulayiye, mujhe yek blanket chahiye". I know she asked for blanket because she pointed at mine, but I forgot the word she used.

"Aap mujhe use kardo". For some reason, I saw her husband pull his kadai up his forearm and upped his moustache with his right index finger.

*Shit* - "Aap mera blanket use kardo.....ji"

The old lady thanked me and her husband did not let her talk to me for some time. After a few more minutes, the flight attendant came with snacks and soda and pulled-up across from my aisle. Since I was between her and the Punjabi couple, I became the middle man for translations.

FA: "Anything for you to drink sir" *@ the old man*
Me: "Peene ke liye kuch chahiye....ji"
Old man: "Coke"

*I didn't have to say anything because Coke is a universal word, like hello. So I took the opportunity to look at the FA and smile*

FA: "Is Pepsi okay?"
Me:"Yeah......I mean he should be fine with Pepsi"
FA:"You want some ice with it?"

This is where my Hindi translator mal-functioned. I know 'Baraf' is Hindi for ice. But for some reason, I mis-spoke - "Kya aap ko baarish chahiye?" And for some reason, I pointed my index finger in upward direction, towards the standing FA. The facial reaction of the old couple was priceless. I could say a million things went through their mind. They vehemently said, in unison, "Nahin..."

And the old lady politely added, "lekin, hum ice lenge"

It took me more than fifteen minutes to realize my goof-up and I started laughing hard covering my head with the book. I was reminded of the Bhagyaraj movie where his friend, trying to woo Radhika, learns Hindi from her father,

"Ek gaon mein ek kissan rehathatha"

"Ek gaon mein ek kissan ragu thatha"

Federer vs. Tarantino vs. Roddick vs. Scott

Button fly jeans

The operational difficulty out-weighs the initial small capital investment of $11 on this Gap denim. Not worth the price discount. I'm making pre-plans to visit the loo. Holding my breath among other things until I could get those metal buttons to open. Not one, not two, but three. Three frigging metal buttons. The bottom one is especially the most difficult one. It is right at the fork. I feel like a neuro-surgeon performing a complex procedure, every time I try to get that. With zip fly it used to be single handed affair. Now it's double handed. My left thumb has become sore, unused to such rigours.

The only alternative is to avoid liquids for the rest of the day.

My friend says, button fly jeans are ladies wear. I don't know. I thought I picked it from men's section. Now, I'm not sure. This doesn't have any jimiki/jari design on it. But he is not convinced. Is that true?

Holy crap!

I was taught to wash my hands after taking a leak. But, I was never told to wash my hands before taking a leak while in the middle of cooking with sambhar podi!

Cold water, cold water......

A.I.R.

திருவாளப்புத்தூர் தீனதயாளன் நாயுடு, கொண்டித்தோப்பு தமிழரசி, ஏழுகிணறு சந்திரசேகர், மணிமாறன், மொட்டை, துவரங்காடு சந்திரமோகன், மங்கலம்பேட்டை ஷகீபுதின், ஆயிஷா பீபி, ஜமால், பூமிக்குப்பம் தேவநேசன், வியாசர்பாடி ராஜா, தாம்பரம் சுப்பு அம்மாள்...

சட்டென்று பெயர் மாறும்போது அவர்கள் எப்படி இருப்பார்கள் என்று யோசிப்பேன். தாம்பரம் சுப்பு அம்மாள் இரட்டைப் பின்னலா வைத்திருப்பார்? ம்ஹூம்! ஆனால் கொண்டித் தோப்பு தமிழரசி?

- ஏப்ரல் 1976, கணையாழியின் கடைசிப்பக்கங்கள், சுஜாதா

So it's time for me to speak

Whats is there for me to say? When I finish, you'll sentence me for my crime. Fine. So let me ask you now: What is crime? What is punishment? It seems to vary from time to time and from place to place. What's legal today is suddenly illegal tomorrow because some society says its so. And what was illegal yesterday is suddenly legal today because everybody is doing it and you can't put everybody in jail. I'm not saying this is right or wrong. I'm just saying that's the way it is.
.....
I just wish you could be standing where I'm standing right now and know what that feels like. Because then you would know something you don't know now. Mercy. You would know that the concept of a society is based upon the quality of that mercy. It's the sense of fair play. It's the sense of justice. But that's like asking a bear to shit in a toilet.
.....
என்னுடய தேடல் எனக்கு கற்பித்தது ஒன்றுதான். உண்மை என்பது காலத்தின் தேவைக்கேற்பத் தகவல்கள் போடும் வேஷம் மட்டுமே. நான் என்ன சொல்ல முடியும்? இன்று என் கையில் இருப்பவை எல்லாம் பொய்கள்.
- பரிணாமம், ஜெயமோகன்